Introduction
I am a therapist. I love my work, enjoy the candor and challenge that clients bring to their sessions, and never define them as patients. The majority are very sane, but struggling to swim upstream. They are warm and beautiful people, who don't believe that they are. During the Summer of 2002, clarity about some of my clients came not with a whisper but a roar. I'd been counseling women for more than twelve years, listening to their stories and helping them discover solutions. Then, in a period of two to three months, a disproportionate number of women arrived at my office, with crises that were rooted in the bruising of their spirits. There was a striking similarity in their childhood histories, and an undercurrent that was draining energy and vitality from their lives. It was as if something or someone had tampered with their chi or life force. This may sound like a dramatization of ordinary lives, but it underlies many of the problems that I have seen in my practice. An individual's urge to develop and take wing is as natural as breathing, but basic physical and psychological nourishment are essential to support this maturation of body and mind. When the spirit is denied or exploited in childhood, the adult emerges with diminished strength and uncertainty about feelings, beliefs, personal identity, and relationships. If the lessons for life were distorted or withheld during those formative years, there is much to learn, in order to have a healthy, creative, and peaceful life. There are too many beautiful butterflies, whose wings were bent and bruised while they were growing. Once they reach adulthood, it seems that flying is more difficult than it should be. However, I believe that, with a little help and personal effort, there is great hope for healing. This is the reason why, in the summer of '02, the season when numerous butterflies appeared in my office, I decided to write this book. It is intended for individuals who were abused or neglected as children, and who may continue to be in similar relationships as adults. As you read and try the lessons in this book, it is hoped that they will nourish your efforts to understand the patterns, challenge the negative messages, and inspire you to join others who share similar experiences. On the journey, perhaps you will find out who that wonderful butterfly really is: You! Lessons: Lesson: The child within: you're still the same person you always were
You might argue that your experience wasn't really abuse. Perhaps there was no physical harm, and you wonder if it was your own distorted viewpoint. However, any form of mistreatment that is imposed on a child has a lasting impact. A child who is injured in an accident will heal, usually without permanent mental consequences. The child who is abused by a parent will heal, as well, but the psychological injury persists, and can undermine personal development. This residual aftermath is difficult to document and quantify, a fact that is basic to denial and minimization of any type of abuse. You are an adult, now. You may tell yourself that childhood is in the past and should be forgotten. But your life is a continuum. Your early experiences still influence conscious and unconscious responses to everything you encounter. It's all connected, in a time line and into the depths of who you are. Your memories, remembered or put aside, are in the bones of your personality. They impact your spirit, and have the power to imprison you or grant the freedom to soar. Now, as you grapple with the daily challenges of adult life, you may find it difficult to maintain emotional balance. You may cry or have angry outbursts, and encounter interpersonal conflicts as a result. You may perceive that others are criticizing or judging you, when this is not the case. You may feel overwhelmed or depressed, and want, more than anything, to isolate yourself under the bed covers. These are reactions of the child who still resides in your heart, the child who continues to expect hurt and rejection. Your Child can either prevent a stable and balanced life, or add originality and spontaneity to your maturity. For this reason, it is crucial for this little person to learn that he/she is a unique and valuable person, rather than the victim of prior days. This requires honest assessment of what actually occurred, as you were growing up. It is not easy to be objective when looking at the intimate world of family and the conflicting messages that you may have received. Your experiences and their excuses may have been quite divergent; you may have been placed in painful, unfamiliar circumstances, then blamed for the consequences. Essentially, you didn't have the opportunity to learn how to handle emotions, or what to expect in a healthy family. If your goal is to have genuine, rewarding interactions, and to be at ease with yourself, the child in you must learn to understand his/her insights and responses. You need to begin accepting your individuality and allowing your emotions to be felt and expressed. Even if this was not part of your childhood agenda, you are entitled to it, and can start right now to embrace this privilege. There is no reason why you should be denied what others are savoring: appreciation of oneself, stable relationships, courage, creativity, and peace.
Let your Child emerge from fear, through a process of checking in with your feelings and ideas, labeling them as real, and living according to your own urgings. This is your life!
Lesson: Be your own parent
What does a child need? What does anyone need? These are the clues to what a parent should do and be, and can help you construct a plan for self-parenting. It is obvious that we all need nourishment and shelter, and a child who survives, physically, has received at least a sustenance level of these. But the child who is famished emotionally, relationally, socially, or intellectually has not received all of what a parent might give. There may have been food on the table, but there was little attention paid to the emptiness in the child's heart and mind. Worse, the child's spirit may have been bruised or the body violated. Parenting requires several ingredients, and love is an obvious part of it. A parent must have the perspective to understand boundaries, be non-invasive with this affection, and temper it with self-control. A child needs a parent who will understand that he or she is a separate individual, who nonetheless requires consistent care and protection. At times, even the best parents will become exasperated, and it is important that anger is handled with enough maturity that violence is avoided, and that it is made clear that the behavior, not the child, is the source of frustration. Parenting, at its best, fits the definition of unconditional love, which means, "I love you, no matter what." It sets limits for the child, disciplines in proportion to the offense, and is attentive but not smothering. The parent believes the child is wonderful, but does not place him or her on a pedestal. And the child is never abused, violated, or diminished as a valuable human being. It takes a well-balanced adult to be a thoughtful parent. This does not mean a whitewashed caricature, but a person who is capable of feeling, empathizing, and providing the type of care that promotes emotional and physical well being, even in the most impoverished circumstances. So, let's assume that things did not go this way in your childhood. What can you do, now, as an adult, to parent yourself? Perhaps you have fallen into the habit of noticing only your deficits. You may be convinced that you have little worth and can't have a positive effect on your world. Maybe you were told that it was self-centered to notice or enjoy your successes and abilities. Now it is up to you to discover and affirm your positive qualities, because we all need to be appreciated for who we are. You may need to become very conscious of this, so that you can give yourself some unconditional love for these traits. This type of acceptance is crucial, because as you experiment and take risks in becoming yourself, you will flounder at times. If you are surrounded by approval from others or yourself, you will be able to retain self-esteem, even when things don't turn out as planned. Creative projects contain the intrinsic possibility of flopping, and most artists, inventors, or creators of any kind will admit that many tries have fallen short of success. You do need a firm sense of self worth to continue, and to know that it is the work, not you, that still needs polishing. It is extremely difficult to take these risks in a critical or abusive environment. Another form of self-care is to structure your environment and the ways that you interact with others. This includes the cultivation of friendships with caring people, who acknowledge your worth, and distancing yourself from those who devalue or abuse you. Set boundaries with others, and consider your own needs: don't let people exploit or take advantage of you. It is your life. You can say no, and begin to feel liberated when you do. While you are considering the issue of self-parenting, keep in mind that your skills and stamina as a parent to your own children may need some strengthening, too. Some parents find that it is difficult to be attentive and patient with their children, when they have not received this as a child. There may be a touch of resentment and intolerance with the incessant demands of young children. However, these feelings are frequently paired with a desire to do things right, to create a better life than theirs for their children. These parents often benefit from a combination of counseling for themselves and education about child development. Sometimes, a parenting group will provide welcome relief from the isolation of new parenthood, and is an opportunity for the exchange of ideas about the management of parenting challenges. In this way, you can begin to break the cycle and create a loving family of your own.
Lesson: Create a free zone, pull it all together and take off
You can begin to create an environment that is a free zone, using the following insights and initiatives as a starting point:
- Establish the basic components of a free zone: time to concentrate, space to do
your creative work, and freedom to experiment in safety - Engage in peaceful activities and brainstorming, to define your values, hopes,
and highest purpose - Get in touch with your inner wisdom - Pay attention to your feelings and ideas - Trust your "gut feel" - Label these as real and live accordingly - Concentrate on the direction you must take, in order to create the life you
deserve - Focus your efforts on your needs and how you can realize them
You will never please everyone, no matter how hard you try. It is preferable to trust your own voice and face the criticism, which probably will be no more frequent than when you were acting on the wishes of others. If the people you are trying to please or pacify are toxic, you will need to distance yourself from them. This means reducing your interactions and changing your perception of what they say. You will need to think for yourself and realize that your inner voice provides authentic guidance.
In a free zone, you can become open to fulfillment of your values, interests, abilities, and passions. It is your oasis, the garden where you will grow.
Final thoughts
Cued behind the viewing glass, rows of bassinets are neatly placed and cleanly draped with linen wraps and filled with cozy babes. Metaphors of innocence and promise, sweetly sleeping or noisily wailing, their expectations set into young brains, without the words to tell them, yet. These are children born of teen aged moms, prime aged women, and near menopausal ones. They come from errors, choice, and childless yearning, but universal needs and dormant dreams inhabit each of them, as surely as the swaddling blankets of pink or blue embrace them.
Here is where we begin the journey, by our nature needing long and loving care, before evolving into man or woman. It is on that road where an infant drinks the sustenance to become the unique being that lies latent in the crib: artist, leader, worker, loving soul, spiritual master, educator, provider of endless services and good deeds. But, as with a seed placed in rocky soil or struck by late spring frost, some of these children lose their way, or it is stolen from them, their spirit engulfed by callous words and acts, their tender hearts constrained by physical harm, neglect, or hate. If they survive, and some of them don't, there is much to understand and more to learn about nurturing themselves, in compensation and with hope. These grown up children need fresh nourishment for their minds and hearts to blossom and emerge from the cocoon of broken promises and illusions. The best news is that these are survivors, people who have learned the hard way, though the lessons weren't always true or nourishing. But, as survivors, perhaps they have special strength to embark on the nearly forgotten journey, toward their fullest, greatest selves. Dear reader, travel wisely and lovingly, bestowing this first on yourself. Only then, should you return to careful generosity that is balanced by self care.
|
